Breathe

I’ve been debating on writing a post the last few weeks.  I have so much pent up inside of me and it is often cathartic to put the words out there. But right now I feel a great enormity of anger and sadness.  I don’t know that I should put any more to the world at this point. But I feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t get it out.

My heart is not what it used to be.  It’s tired and fragile.  My soul is sick of a mean, nasty world.

A few things over the past couple years have broken me.  I now understand why people become withdrawn and just no longer want to give anymore.   I’ve always tried to state and back up my beliefs for several reasons, but one main one: I want my children to know that I tried. I tried to do and stand for what I felt was right even when it was difficult.  Even when it felt extremely lonely. 

 But I’m tired.  I recently got burned a final time and I just don’t know that I have a flame inside me anymore.  

It’s not a poor me post. It just an honest blog where I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m sick of people.  You give your heart and soul  and they turn around quickly with “you can only be part of us this time if you bring in xxx amount of money”.  Or you stated your concerns and we didn’t like that so we want your money but we don’t want you to speak – no matter what you’ve done for us.  Or people being just downright nasty to each other.

WHY????

Never good enough. Never enough.

The last two years have been hard on everyone and my family is no exception.  We have had our share of impacts from this pandemic. What bothers me the most? We could be in a much better place if people just did what they were asked.  In fact, it more than bothers me.  It makes me downright angry and I’ve lost compassion for those who refuse to listen to the experts and then get sick. And that’s horrible. We all need compassion. Every day.  But it’s the truth. Because these people have hurt not only themselves but people I care about.  I’m fed up.  I hope things change. Soon.  Because it’s just too much.

I’ve heard people say that humans are not naturally good. I NEVER believed that. But I don’t know anymore.

Anyways. I’m tired. My head hurts. My heart hurts. It doesn’t really want to do anymore.

I always remind myself how good my life is. I have the best family and friends one could ever ask for. We are physically healthy. We have a grandson on the way. And these are wonderful and I’m forever grateful. I just think maybe it’s time for me to stay more inside this bubble. Because the rest of the world is just too much lately.

I want to do good. I want to be like my parents. I wish I could ask them how they dealt with times like this. How they didn’t lose their spark. Because I don’t know how.